Kids have good reasons NOT to talk to strangers. When you are an adult, however, the greatest ‘stranger danger’ is keeping too much to yourself.
It’s difficult for many adults to talk with strangers. Nearly four percent of American adults ages 18 to 54, experience serious social anxiety when speaking to strangers. And, it can be challenging for the rest of us.
Both online and offline, I’m an active social networker. However, I still find it difficult to connect with strangers face to face outside of work situations.
My wife tells me that I have two personalities: an ‘on’ personality, comfortable with social situations, connecting and speaking freely with others; and and ‘off’ personality that observes crowds without engaging in face-to-face conversations. The ‘on’ personality is great, she said.
The ‘off’ personality? It’s more common. But, I’m working on it…
Putting down the iPhone. I’m more likely to interact with strangers when I’m not texting or tweeting. So, I’m trying to limit my access to technology in social scenarios. I’ll check into Foursquare or Facebook Places at the beginning or end of an event and keep myself offline in between.
Making eye contact. Looking someone in the eye is one of the quickest ways to trigger conversation. Many people will initiate conversation when you focus your attention on them instead of elsewhere.
Casual comments. I’m finding that one of the best ways to meet strangers is to make casual comments in the vicinity of strangers. (“This is a great location.”). It adds warmth to a cold or dull situation. It opens the door. Others can respond with their own comments. If they do, the conversation is off and running.
Engaging service providers. I make a point to engage in idle chatter with anyone who gets paid to provide me with service: taxi drivers, store clerks, waitstaff, etc. People working in customer service are easy to talk to. Casual conversations improve their tips and make their day go faster. Talking to them is easy and builds confidence for more challenging social scenarios.
Asking Questions. How is your day going? Have you been here before? What do you suggest? What are you going to eat/drink? What do you do? Are you enjoying this weather? Did you see the game/tv show/news last night?What projects are you working on? How did you get into this business? What do you find most challenging/interesting? It doesn’t require good questions to begin good conversations.
“People don’t usually go around telling strangers stuff — it’s why God invented talk radio — and that’s why you have to ask them questions,” said Said Dave Bidini, of the National Post, “After asking someone a question, you will feel good about yourself while making someone else feel good about themselves, too. Typically, a question is returned with a question until the conversation takes on the appearance of two actors on a small stage. This sort of thing happens all the time.”
As a general rule, the amount of sharing should be in proportion to the depth (or lack thereof) of the relationship. Otherwise, it can come off as creepy.
Penelope Trunk, of Brazen Careerist is an open book. She wears her heart — and life experience — on her sleeve, on her blog, and in authentic, emotional conversations. She’ll talk openly about her personal experience with abortion, drug abuse, and the time she’s spent in a mental ward.I admire her 0penness, but I’m not there myself. I’m still fostering my ‘on’ personality in social situations and keeping my ‘off’ personality at rest.
I’m making progress. However, if we run into each other face-to-face, feel free to ask me “How’s it going?”
It’ll be a good start to our conversation.
Credits: “Living Exercises” photo is courtesy of Scouting New York.
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About Troy Janisch
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